The gay dating rules: The bible of gay dating
ספר זה זמין לקריאה באפליקציית מנדלי קורא ספרים בלבד
New York City is the loneliest place in the world. Only if you are living in this amazing, destructive, over-the-top, noisy, dirty, fabulous fucked-up place, you know what I am talking about. As much as this place is huge and full of opportunities, it’s also lonely, cold, and presses you to do things that, trust me, you would never even think of doing if you were living in a place with more trees and nature, no subways or crowded streets – let’s say… a suburb in fucking Boston.
If you are a single gay man in New York City, even one with ideals, high morals and standards, forget about it, you will find yourself doing things and meeting people you would not believe, looking back, you ever dated.
But don’t blame yourself – never blame yourself! Blame New York! Blame your ex-boyfriend! Blame your screwed-up parents that screwed you over and made you the horny, lonely, desperate gay that you are today! So… please blame someone else! It is much better for you than looking inwards and blaming yourself…
- Don’t meet him on-line!
I know – it is a lot to ask. Any way you look at it, it is the easiest way to meet guys today. Between checking your e-mails and watching porn on your favorite porn-site, you must have an ad somewhere on-line. But remember! It is a rule! A person you are meeting on-line in most cases will have more than one ad. That means, while he meets you through one ad, he probably meets other guys, “just for the fun, just to make more friends” through other ads he places on other websites (or even worse, through the same website he met you!). So… you need to ask yourself: Do you really want to start a relationship like this? And – do you really want to date someone who’s into multiple dating?
- Don’t be desperate!
Believe me – self-desperation is more destructive than shooting heroin on a daily basis. Be proud of who you are! Find good characteristics in yourself and write them on a piece of paper. Keep that paper inside a plastic folder in your bag and read it to yourself at least once a day. That way, you will gain some self-respect and some self-esteem within yourself. Then, day-by-day, you will feel less desperate to meet him. If he comes along – great, if he does not – well, at least you will always have the plastic folder with the list of your good characteristics to play with. Ah, yes, and your favorite porn-site, of course.
- Stop having sex like a slut!
Yes, I know, you are a slut. (don’t we all?). We live in New York City, it’s freezing cold in the winter, hot as hell in the summer (see foreword: always blame something…) and we are all horny like animals in heat. But if you really want to meet him, if you really want to love – and to be loved by someone special and loyal who’s worth your love – you must stop having sex and hooking up with every gay guy you meet (including in the gym, bitch! See Chapter 10). That way, you are clearing your mind and soul (and body) and you are setting your mind towards a better goal (than just fucking a random guy you probably wouldn’t want to see tomorrow).
- For God’s sake: find a hobby!
Find a hobby or volunteer but do something with your fucked-up life that will fill your time with something more meaningful and interesting (except for drinking alone in your favorite East Village bar). That way you are first: less desperate (see Chapter 2). Second: you open the door to meet someone in a more “human” environment (not on-line…) by doing something positive with yourself that in the long run will make you very happy. Just imagine it for a second: you are serving food on a Sunday morning to homeless people in Tompkins Square Park and one of the guys who volunteers with you is also gay (and also read this book…) and the two of you hit it off. Now, honestly, what is better to tell one day to your grandchildren: that you met your husband through Craigslist Personals or by volunteering in the East Village serving food to homeless people?
- Golden rule: love always come when you’re least expecting it and when you’re least looking for it
No more words needed. Just remember this, think about it for a while, and try to shop at ‘Duane Reade’ and in your local supermarket (you know what, make it also ’Home Depot’) in the evenings as much as you can.
Say to yourself every day (you can even write it on a piece of paper and yes, you may put it inside the same plastic folder where you wrote your good characteristics list. See Chapter 2): “I am open to a new love, I am open to a new love, I am open to a new love…”. Try to do this alone, in a closed room (if you don’t want to be committed…)
- Forgive your parents
It is hard, believe me, I know. The motherfuckers made us the fucked-up gays we are today but… forgive them. If they are dead – well, you are lucky. If they are alive, call them (at least once every two weeks) and ask them how they are doing. Let them mumble the regular gibberish bullshit and play like you really care – even when you don’t. Forgive them – as much as you can. Trust me: it will help you to come clean to your next relationship.
- Stop asking everyone you know if they can hook you up
Here’s my personal experience: when Josh (a.k.a. “The Hairy Motherfucker”) left me, I asked, called, begged and bothered everyone I knew (including my Rabbi! At Shabbat dinners!) if they could find me a new boyfriend. I was terrified – after a year and a half of a screwed-up relationship – to find myself alone again, and, oh yes, it was winter, so… please give me a break… Anyhow, never ask people to find you a boyfriend under any circumstances. Pray to God or watch a lot of porn on-line and jerk off like a lunatic but remember: asking people to find you a date will only make things worse.
- Golden rule: everything (literally, everything at all! Even the shittiest things that happen to you in life) is for the best
You are lonely, someone just broke your heart, your dog died and your HIV test came back positive. You want to jump from your cousin’s rooftop. However… stop! Believe me, it’s all for the best (yes, even the HIV stuff): learn from it, grow from it, heal your soul, body and mind, find a way to help others – through your hard times – and above all, remember: everything that happens in life – in the long run – is for the best.
- Quit your gym membership (see chapter 3) especially if there’s a sauna and a steam room there (which there must be if you go there…)
You need to understand, with all due respect to the fact that we all love to look at hot, hung guys in the showers, it’s really (really!) bad for your soul – and for your state of mind of finding a real boyfriend – to see other guys naked, giving to the definition “meat market” a new meaning…
- And… if you are dating a guy who changes gyms at least every three months – remember my word: he is definitely cheating on you with other guys there
If he’s saying that he just changes the gym “Because there’s nothing to do there.” and: “This gym sucks, all the equipment is so fucking old.” it’s your cue to cut his head off with the first knife you can find (because he’s cheating on you, stupid!) and to leave him the fuck alone! (bleeding to death, of course).